I can't tell you how many WIP fics I've got going. I took on au100 for Anakin/Obi-Wan, and one of them is a little like this where Obi-Wan is Anakin's master, only Obi-Wan isn't a Jedi or a former Jedi. I also tell the story years down the road where Anakin has been owned by Obi-Wan since Anakin was 7 or 9, and now he's like 18 or so.
Is Anakin a teenager in this fic? I ask because, although you referred to Anakin once as "man-child" and your graphic shows Hayden as a teen, you keep referring to Anakin as "boy" in the story. I think it might be more understanding if Anakin's past 16, since being 9 would be a little icky if you're having Obi-Wan admire Anakin's sun-kissed physique. XD Although looking over some of my as yet unpublished because they're unfinished stories, I've referred to Anakin as "boy" when I've set him as a teen, too.
I'm still not completely sold on why Obi-Wan is in the slave market if that's not really where he wants to be. Okay, so everybody's all pressed together and he can't get out. But still.
The more interesting part of the story (naturally) is the introduction of Anakin, but sadly this bit is less detailed than the explaination of how Obi-Wan is stuck as a member of the AgriCorp instead of a Jedi and how come he's stuck on Tatooine.
There is a lot of passive voice in the story. For instance, writing, "The boy was gripped roughly" instead of "The handlers gripped the boy roughly." Basically, over-using to-be verbs like "was."
I like the idea of Obi-Wan owning Anakin (hey! who doesn't?), but although he's not a Jedi Knight, he is a Jedi in the service of the AgriCorp and likely has to follow the same stipulations as a Knight with the "no attachments/no possessions" rule. I was wondering if you were going to address this in the story as you progress?
Hey! If I have a lot of suggestions, it means I think the story's got good potential.
I'm looking for a beta, too. XD We could beta each others stories.
More than you ever wanted to know....
Is Anakin a teenager in this fic? I ask because, although you referred to Anakin once as "man-child" and your graphic shows Hayden as a teen, you keep referring to Anakin as "boy" in the story. I think it might be more understanding if Anakin's past 16, since being 9 would be a little icky if you're having Obi-Wan admire Anakin's sun-kissed physique. XD Although looking over some of my
as yet unpublished because they're unfinishedstories, I've referred to Anakin as "boy" when I've set him as a teen, too.I'm still not completely sold on why Obi-Wan is in the slave market if that's not really where he wants to be. Okay, so everybody's all pressed together and he can't get out. But still.
The more interesting part of the story (naturally) is the introduction of Anakin, but sadly this bit is less detailed than the explaination of how Obi-Wan is stuck as a member of the AgriCorp instead of a Jedi and how come he's stuck on Tatooine.
There is a lot of passive voice in the story. For instance, writing, "The boy was gripped roughly" instead of "The handlers gripped the boy roughly." Basically, over-using to-be verbs like "was."
I like the idea of Obi-Wan owning Anakin (hey! who doesn't?), but although he's not a Jedi Knight, he is a Jedi in the service of the AgriCorp and likely has to follow the same stipulations as a Knight with the "no attachments/no possessions" rule. I was wondering if you were going to address this in the story as you progress?
Hey! If I have a lot of suggestions, it means I think the story's got good potential.
I'm looking for a beta, too. XD We could beta each others stories.